Deserving

People say that at night is when they lay awake in bed with all the anxieties rushing through their head. What if that happens to you all day long from the moment you wake up. Feelings and emotions, self-doubts and disappointments flooding your mind. What is your deepest insecurity? What makes you burn from within your core? The memories that cause this fire that will never dissipate. What if you have too many. How do you overcome your own demons. Sadly, by my own admission, my pain is caused from my own choices. Acknowledging that fact is tremendously tough to swallow. So, if I am to blame, why am I always pleading for someone to fill that hole? The emptiness that never seems to be full.

I suppose I used to believe of myself as a deserving person. Deserving of friendships, of my families' support and of love. I am sensitive, considerate, intuitive, emotionally open, wearing my heart on my sleeve and loyal. It's hard for me to gain that mutual feeling of respect or affection from people in my life. So many things have happened over the course of my adolescence and adulthood that I’m so confused. I don’t have the time to try to fix anything now, I am too ingulfed in the raging rapids of my life that unfortunately it is what it is at this point. Receiving attention from people is always a good feeling but when it can be dangerous for your heart, how much is enough to make a change. Am I trying to find that affirmation from anyone so badly that I accept lower standards than what I deserve or is it because I accept what I believe I deserve.

I have felt broken for a long time. As far back as I can remember, I have always tried very hard to belong, fit in and feel a part of something. I could never understand why it didn’t come naturally to me. I admittingly say that I put so much pressure on myself to be the perfect friend, partner and mother that it frightens me how desperate I am for acceptance. I have put myself in so many situations and relationships where it was only one sided. I accept poor behavior and treated terribly for so long that it actually doesn’t even affect me anymore. I've conditioned myself to expect it now. Unfortunately, these behaviors don’t shock me any longer and that’s very sad. In the end, I’m a rogue solider, left to pick up the pieces of my shattered dreams, heart and life. It’s lonely being the only one on my team. I just want to feel deserving of what I deserve.